Fresh Statuses

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I'm also deaf in one ear.
July 4th Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn't going to plan.
You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Monkeys made it to space before we did without even trying.
I'm that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
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