Fresh Statuses

As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
I do 5 sit ups every day. It may not seem like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you're gonna be late?
I was going to give you a dirty look but I see you already have one!
Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.
This would be the absolute perfect time to actually rob Ryan Lochte.
Jared began and ended his Subway career trying to get into smaller and smaller pants.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.
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