Fresh Statuses

I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it's fighting fire with fire!
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.
If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
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