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Funny Facebook Statuses

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Fresh Nominations...
Dave Asten
Robert Zunick
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
When life gives you lemons... get the tequila and salt.
I have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a Level-4 biohazard suit.
Helped a Mexican ex-gangster get a job today... and I STILL got an 'F' !?! ... Apparently that is not how you "Write an Essay"!
I would rather listen to an album recorded by an actual pitbull than Pitbull.