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Funny Facebook Statuses

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Fresh Nominations...
Dave Asten
Robert Zunick
When a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’ve spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you're like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you're from Alabama)
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you're a terrible person and had it coming.
I just started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.