Fresh Statuses

Don't get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I'll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
I bet Sean Connery only ever asked his wife to sit in his lap the one time.
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