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Funny Facebook Statuses

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Fresh Nominations...
Dave Asten
Robert Zunick
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
I once dated a girl with a parrot. That thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I don’t think my boss appreciated me jiggling my butt in her face this morning. But, in my defense she told me to “get twerk”.
When a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’ve spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down