Fresh Statuses

Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
It's called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
At my age, I don't take naps outdoors. People start breaking out the shovels.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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