Funny statuses

#139

Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

#282

When I drive if you beep your horn 1 second after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.

#129

Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

#36

I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the fuck is my phone?" and it would be like, "It's under the couch dumbass."

#271

Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.

#159

I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script #DamnTeenQuote

#143

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

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