Fresh Statuses

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Wow, I can't believe it's been a whole year since my herb garden was stolen. Where did the thyme go?
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
I do 5 sit ups every day. It may not seem like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you're gonna be late?
I was going to give you a dirty look but I see you already have one!
Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.
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