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Funny Facebook Statuses

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Fresh Nominations...
Dave Asten
Michael Mendoza
You'd think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
My foot’s not just asleep it's outright coma toes
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Sorry, I didn't recognize you without your Instagram filter.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.