Fresh Statuses

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was shot dead by police in downtown Los Angeles, today. He was wanted for multiple counts of identity theft.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
I'm not sure what my spirit animal is, but I'm sure it has Rabies.
All I'm saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair.
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