Fresh Statuses

I really need to clean the house, but I'm thinking it'd be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
If I had a British accent, I'd never shut up.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.
I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. "Have some respect for the dead!" he said. "Okay," I replied. "Is that all lower case without spaces?"
I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go family functions anymore.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan's chariot.
Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?
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