Fresh Statuses

I started carrying around a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I bet Christmas morning was really intense for Schrödinger.
If I ever become a brain-dead and I'm just laying in a hospital bed all day, the least you can do is put me into funny poses.
Whenever I'm about to tell someone that their fly is down, I can't think of a good enough reason for why I was looking down in the first place.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
I'm always right, never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.
If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
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