Fresh Statuses

It may be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
This year, I’m gonna put mistletoe on my ass and let everyone just figure it out.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
So am I the only one that has not been molested by Bill Cosby?
I wonder what the world would be like if everyone was as happy as they pretended to be on social media
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That's what the bill is for.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
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