Fresh Statuses

My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.
Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together and difficult to exit.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Alicia Keys' "girl on fire" would make an awesome Vagisil commercial.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
If you can't say something nice about someone, you probably work at the same place I do.
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