Fresh Statuses

It hurts when someone you love says mean things to you like, "It's time to wake up."
#9837
Amigo
I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
#9836
Amigo
I’m going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i’m correct, they should owe me $950
#9835
Amigo
If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
#9834
Amigo
Somebody just asked me if I knew a good plastic surgeon. Would I look like this if I did?
#9833
Amigo
Single white sock seeks same.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd love to bring a guest.
Dance like nobody is watching! because they're not...they're checking their phone.
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