Fresh Statuses

When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What’s your most frequently photographed entree?
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"
Oh, Schwarzenegger, you dog, you. You were a "Running Man" from your "True Lies" and your "Predator" ways will have you spending your "End of Days" with "Junior". Good thing it wasn't "Twins"......Your first mistake was going "Commando"
It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo. Because in case of a disaster I want to look like the most important person to save.
Wal-mart closing 269 stores in 2016, putting 16 cashiers out of work
"Thank God! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
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