Fresh Statuses

The only thing that appears correct on my paycheck is the amount I got paid is “gross.”
I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What’s your most frequently photographed entree?
It’s 2015. Why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.
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