Fresh Statuses

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I'd totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Ramen noodles will always taste like an empty bank account.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Intelligence: Knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom: Not putting tomatoes in a Fruit Salad. Philosophy: Wondering if Ketchup is a Smoothie.
When I go running, I usually meet new people. Like paramedics...
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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