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Funny Facebook Statuses

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Fresh Nominations...
Dave Asten
Michael Mendoza
The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.
I'm going door to door to promote my new gym. It's called "Jehovah's Fitness".
I snorted a few lines of Centrum Silver and now I've got the urge to drive 25mph in the left lane with my right turn signal on all night.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb. Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
They keep asking me when my birthday is at the pharmacy. I think they're going to get me something!
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!