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Funny Facebook Statuses

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Robert Zunick
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
I'm not saying I'm old but all my candy dishes are filled with Tums
Apple’s iPhone is the reason I didn’t feel the need to carry around a watch anymore. Now they want me to buy a watch.
If I'm ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m 100% done with today and already about 72% done with tomorrow.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands. I waited a minute and no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.