Fresh Statuses

I bet Sean Connery only ever asked his wife to sit in his lap the one time.
I'm lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
So glad I don't have a thigh gap. Almost dropped my phone in the toilet but my legs were like "no man I got you".
Just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.
When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
How do blind people ever know when they're done wiping?
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