Funny Status Ideas

If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating ribs, you just didn't eat them right.

If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get applause every 3 or 4 minutes.

If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

I don't think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.

Darn I just realized I missed the Emmys again which now makes like 10 years in a row.

I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with Sodium Pentothal.